pack for pakistan

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do you dream of a place where questioning religion is punished by death?

where questioning whether questioning religion should be punished by death, is punished by death?

stop dreaming and                 VISIT PAKISTAN

surrender your worries, unwind, and assimilate to theocratic monoculture.  submit to a simpler life that requires less thought.  perhaps have a marriage or two arranged for you.

meet that special someone

visit soon to participate in festivities celebrating the recent assassination of Punjab Governor Salman Taseer!  

enjoy and allahu akbar!

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craigslist: bargains not bawwws

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people often use sob stories for bargaining leverage on craigslist.  ("what do you mean you want $50 off?  my mother just died.")  i've never seen someone take it as far as this guy.

below is a recent series of posts from my local craigslist electronics page.  pay special attention to the last two posts, in which he shares responses he's received.

42" Sanyo HDTV - $500


Date: 2010-12-30, 8:49PM EST


I have 7 days to pay my rent and I have lost my job.  All i have that is worth anything is my Sanyo HDTV.  It is 42 inches.  I need 500 bucks to keep a roof over my head.  I'll throw in a Xbox360 console (no hook-ups or controllers) for free to sweeten the pot!!!!!  Someone PLEASE help me out!!!!!!!!!!  I can meet you to pick it up.


Thanks




42 inch HDTV - $400


Date: 2010-01-02, 11:43AM EST


I offered this HDTV for $500 dollars the other day but now the price is dropped.  $400 for it and a XBOX360 Console!!!!!!!!


I have 5 days left to pay my rent or me, my wife and our 3 pets are out on our asses in the cold.  Someone PLEASE come buy this TV.  It is a Sanyo 42 inch 720p HDTV.  It comes with a remote and I will even give away my old Xbox360 console with it.  I can't give out any cords to the 360 cause my dog chewed thru the cords and I sold the 1 controller I had.  I am begging for you to help us.  Please come buy this TV or you will see me begging for your change at a highway intersection by next Friday. I am not the best looking guy so not only will you be annoyed by me begging but your eyes will hurt from looking at me.


This is a VERY VERY serious ad.  I am not bullshitting about my situation so PLEASE contact me.  The TV works GREAT and the Xbox360 works (no RROD) you just need to buy cords for it.


PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE HELP!!!!!!  Don't let me and my tiny family go homeless........it is not a good look for us.


THANK YOU


42" HDTV (1 more time) - $375


Date: 2011-01-02, 5:38PM EST


I been trying to keep a roof over my families head this month by selling our 42 inch HDTV.  Most people have responded by letting me know that they really care and would like to take the tv for free so we don't have to throw it out.  Thanks goes out to those that REALLY care.......your offers helped me see how much we as humans care for each other.


This is the last day I can post an ad cause after today my wife is leaving to move to Pierce County.  I will be living in a patch of woods near City Memorial Park.


This is my last plee for someones help.  I can take $375 cash today.  This will provide me with money to buy food while I am homeless until I can find somewhere to live.


RE: 42 inch HDTV


Date 2011-01-02, 8:20PM EST


I would like to thank all the people who have sent me responses like.........


"LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!"  -  This one came from Chris Epps.  Thanks Chris!!!  I'm glad you find my situation so funny.


"Hope you like living in the woods while your wife is sucking (N-word) D*cks in Pierce Country!!"  -  That beauty was from Bradley.  Brad, you are one special guy!!  Thanks.


You are the very people who make our beautiful word go around.  Everyone be sure to stop by and pelt me with rocks when I have no where to live.  Thanks again.

at least he doesn't have to lug around a 42" sanyo hdtv

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aguirre, the wrath of god

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most movies that make 'best of all time' lists are predictable and familiar.  not this one.  i never even heard of aguirre, the wrath of god (1972) before 2011.

(found on TIME's top 100 list)

"deserters will be cut into 198 pieces.  those pieces will be stamped on until what is left can only be used to paint walls"

a group of conquistadors led by Pizarro set off on an expedition to find El Dorado.   after enormous hardship and limited progress, Pizarro sends out a scouting party.  the movie follows that party as they travel slowly down a jungle river, battling hostile natives, internal strife, disease, and insanity.

if you think that sounds vaguely like apocalypse now, you're right.  along with heart of darkness, Coppola credited aguirre... as one of his primary influences.

those who enjoy dark, haunting movies that skillfully explore human vice and its most violent consequences, treat yourself to this.

starts off hopeless, gets worse

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fuzzy maths

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OR

How to Reach a Quadrillion Ancestors in 50 Generations.

(follow-up to my previous post)

you have 2 parents.
they each had 2 parents,
who each had 2 parents,
who each had 2 parents,
ad infinitum (assuming your ancestors reproduced sexually).

each generation the number of ancestors doubles.

2 parents
4 grandparents
8 great-grandparents
16 great-great-grandparents
etc

this quickly leads to an absurdly large number.  by the time you calculate back to ancient greece your progenitors outnumber the stars.

the solution?  inbreeding.  we share the same relatives and they liberally shared each other.

viewed from a distance our family tree does not resemble the upside down triangle pictured above.  it looks rather more like a dull pencil.  skip back several generations and you share relatives with most of people you know.

take care, cousins.
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family

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on wednesday my maternal grandmother was buried.  down to 1 of 4 grandparents.

i barely knew her and i'm not upset by the loss, but it got me thinking about ancestors.
i have:

2 parents  (one generation ago - born in the 1950's)
4 grandparents  (two generations ago - born in the 1920's)
8 great-grandparents  (three generations ago - born in the 1890's)
...
1,125,899,906,842,624 great(x50)-grandparents (fifty generations ago - born ~500 A.D.)

tonight i will make a champagne toast to my quadrillion+ ancestors who lived during the middle ages.

happy new year!
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talk smaller

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blah blah blah?  well, blah.

at the grocery store a group of middle-aged women blocked my way.  overheard as i navigated between them to reach the bananas:

  woman 1:  snow is so white and pretty.
          *everyone nods*
  woman 2:  but it's cold.
          *everyone nods*
  woman 3:  when it melts everything gets wet.
          *everyone nods*
  woman 1:  sometimes your shoes get wet.  have to take care not to track that inside!
          *everyone nods, laughs*


fascinating.

what are your favorite conversational topics?  mine include:

"hey, we're both wearing shoes"
"my eyes help me to see"
"fire is hot"
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she had bomet

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several of my friends are teachers.  they occasionally share anecdotes and notes from their classrooms.  i'll share these with you.

the following note was written by a middle schooler's mother, explaining her daughter's absence:

"Please excuse ____
for not coming to school
13, 14 december she had
bomet and thats why
she didn't go.  thank you.
If you have any Questions
call _____"


a near miss.  spelling and grammar are mostly correct, the handwriting is entirely legible.  but "she had bomet"?
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"snap!"

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snow is pruning my yard.

earlier this year i didn't pay to have dead trees/limbs removed.  now snow is doing it for free.  it's beautiful.

if electricity stays and tree parts miss my house, i'm golden.  i might even build a snowman.

keep it together, you

uncomfortable times for non-human animals

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merry christmas e'erybody!

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christmas photos for all.  enjoy!

the wrapping paper i used this year

what i would have used, were it available

"um, excuse me mein fürher..."

show others how much you care

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give that to me

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what's on your wish list?

i need ideas.  been good this year and my house has a chimney.

i've great expectations.

santa keeps it real

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welcome to walmart

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walmart usually has what i need, at a low price.

but they do everything else wrong.

to enter or exit the store you shouldn't have to pass motion-activated human robots and endure:

         "welcome to walmart"
                        or
"thank you for shopping at walmart"


every time.

Q: "why are these clearance items marked up?"
 A: "welcome to walmart"

beyond the greeters, many wal-mart employees still stick to a stilted script.  conversations are a variation on the following:

[at checkout]
customer:  "hey, how's it going.  any big holiday plans?"
employee:  "welcome to walmart"

and the other shoppers.  maybe lower prices attract a different class of shopper.  you've probably seen this website celebrating those people.  at other stores you are less likely to encounter:

welcome to walmart

that hair

as attractive as wearing an adult diaper over sweatpants















save money.  live better.
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moon blood

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if you're sufficiently motivated to wake up early and endure the cold, you'll be rewarded with the winter solstice, lunar eclipse, full moon, blood moon super combo.

the solar system is laying it on tonight.  read about it here.

"i seeeeee youuuuuu"

and if you'd rather watch on your computer, nasa is hosting.
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pwned

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recently read this story on NPR: insult onto injury

gist of it is...

home burglar stole a guy's cash, new jacket, electronics.

using the stolen computer the burglar logged on to the victim's facebook profile and uploaded a picture of himself (burglar).

AT FIRST MY FB PROFILE PIC WAS...

"check out my duckface!  LOL!!!1!"

BUT THEN IT WAS ALL

"cool jacket bro.  u mad?"

how long until a playful, digitally-savvy serial killer documents his adventures on facebook?

i expect to see:

-tagged pictures of victims.  maybe LOL captions added.
-regular status updates.  "still stalking, gonna grab her soon"
-interactive, real-time cat and mouse game with authorities.
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missed opportunity

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a girl just walked past my house wearing a zorro mask and carrying a long stick.

vigilante crime fighter?  hopelessly lost trick-or-treater?  either way, i'm glad she's patrolling my street.

unfortunately i was startled and didn't go out to meet her, or even take a picture.  but she looked like this:

"i can kill 20 armed men at once"

except her hair was brunette.
and no leather gloves, or costume.
and she was older.
and she wasn't in an aggressive fighting posture.

















too bad, zorro girl.  we might have been soul mates.
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video game graffiti

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some video games make you feel like you're a rat running mazes in search of bland food pellets.  ignore that reward.  look instead for ways to graffiti the maze walls.

for example,

in HALO disregard online competitors and interact with the scenery.  listen to the in-game radios, watch the TVs, shoot distant birds.

"think i can hit that bird from here?"

or maybe it's single player, like this baseball game for the original NES.  the crowd cheers in anticipation when the player is about to pitch.

*cheer*  *cheer*

at this point turn off the TV and go to bed.  in the morning, turn on the TV and see this:

*cheer*  *cheer*

the crowd cheered 8 hours waiting for that pitch.  knowing this will start your day off right.

"whatcha aiming at bro?"

in multiplayer mode of COD: Black Ops, approach teammates and dominate their field of vision with your face.  or jump in place at choke points to make game flow more interesting.

have fun!
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it's Thor's day, but...

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the norse gods lost.

poll results are in: the Flying Spaghetti Monster is your creator and overlord.

this permanently settles the religious debate.  pastafarianism for life and health.

divine grace and tomato-based sauce

TFSM is a delicious and loving god, with just a few expectations. 

honor pirates or face dire consequences

do the right thing and eternal noodles with meatballs will be yours.  

ra-men!

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twilight of the gods

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comments on the previous post made it clear there are only two contenders.

who is your god?

the flying spaghetti monster

                           OR

thor  (representing all norse gods)

does your god demand martial excellence or high carbohydrate intake?

is your afterlife a never-ending violent drinking party, or a warm eternal embrace by sticky noodles of love?

hammer of thunder or meatballs of reason?

voice your opinion below.  cast your vote in the poll on the right.

voting ends noon tomorrow.
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mythology

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Odin, ruler of Asgard

Norse Mythology

Lord Apollo, Far-Shooter

you know who

Greek Mythology






















Christian Mythology

the Flying Spaghetti Monster

Atheist Satire













the only meaningful difference between these gods is popularity.

of course you are expected to treat your culture's most popular mythologies with sensitivity and respect.  and don't call them mythologies.

our ancestors probably didn't view their religions as future mythologies either.
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merry christmas?

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last christmas i mailed a blanket to a deployed friend.  someone recently broke into her car and stole that blanket and a few other things.

she sent me this christmas card:

this holiday season brought to you by hallmark

wat

glad her life is great and she's never been happier, despite the intense disgust and disillusionment she feels towards others.

happy holidays!
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arts and crafts

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flipping through an old arts and crafts book, i found these jewels:

how to make a "sister" doll

oh hai there sister!

with a little bit of work, old pantyhose become illustrations from scary stories to tell in the dark.

necromancer gloves

the book called these "finger puppets".

no.  they're necromancer gloves.
















be creative this christmas.  turn your old clothes into nightmares they'll never forget.
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